Veronique
‘When I found out that you had breast cancer, I only had one thought: that you get better. I didn’t care that you would go bald, but I wanted you to feel like you had the space to be sad about it. Just because I personally don’t have any hair and am totally fine with it doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way.’
Marie-Lou
‘Honey, you know me, right? I’m extremely easy minded. Chemo is my path to healing, and going bald is an afterthought. I didn’t even consider the cold cap they offered me in the hospital to potentially keep my hair - I would have had to stay there even longer. In the beginning, I really didn’t need a wig. That was partly thanks to you, because I found your scarves really pretty, but as well as that, I thought I shouldn’t whine about it. You got Alopecia when you were 25 and you’ll probably be bald for the rest of your life, so could I complain about temporary hair loss as a mother?’
Veronique
You can definitely complain about it if you want. I’ve cried a lot to you too. I really like that I am able to help you look good. We often FaceTime while we tie our scarves.
Marie-Lou
I like that you help me with that too. Your advice matters a lot to me and in the end I did buy a wig. I enjoy wearing it, it feels like a hat and it makes me look less ill. Shaving my hair off, though - that was a bit of a tough moment. Just like with you, your oldest sister Florine was there too and the three of us did it together. Dad ran off to the garden with our grandson, he didn’t want to be there. Although I was fine with it afterwards, taking that step was quite difficult. The first night without any hair, I was incredibly cold in bed. Now I sleep in pyjamas, socks, a beanie and a scarf, otherwise I can’t get any sleep. Oh well, so be it. I don’t pity myself - nor you, by the way.
Veronique
I found it really helpful that you didn’t pity me. One time, when I was all upset about it yet again, you said: ‘Come on, Niek. We’re not going to spend the whole day talking about your bald head again.’ I found that really hard at the time, but it did work. It made me start to wonder: is this really the worst thing that can happen to me? Now, I'm completely fine with it.
Marie-Lou
I didn’t want to trivialize your sadness, but pity has never helped anyone. I found it really difficult to see you struggling with yourself. Every time you lost a strand of hair, you would text me about it. And in the meantime, you would only drink, smoke and eat to forget about it. You did get used to your new appearance incredibly fast, but that’s only because we took action immediately. Less talking, more doing. Within three weeks, you had your first wig.
Veronique
One of the first times I was at the bar with that wig - Tina, that’s what I called it - a guy patted my head kind of roughly, which made it fall off my head. It scared the hell out of me. But everyone was really chill about it. After that, I started daring to do more things. Nowadays, I go out without a wig, but you will never see me in public without my eyebrows drawn on.
Marie-Lou
Just a week after shaving your head, you posted a picture of your smooth head on Instagram. As for me, I created a group chat within a week to share my diagnosis. ‘Please don’t make a big deal out of this - no tumor cell has ever died from sentimental fluff’, I wrote. I think it’s important to continue relativizing things. You’re not ill, and I will hopefully get better.
Veronique
That’s how we feel about it, but others see us differently. Do you remember when we went out for a walk last autumn? Two bald women out and about, everyone was looking at us.
Marie-Lou
Yes, it looked like a local cancer society outing. I felt so observed, and since then I understand you even better. I think it’s incredibly brave of you to be so open and honest on Instagram, going completely against the picture-perfect stuff. I’m proud of you for showing the weird bald spots on your head. You’re making something truly beautiful out of this, it’s strengthened your character. Slathering a thick layer of makeup like you sometimes do isn’t necessary, if you ask me. Although I have to admit that eyebrows do a lot to your facial expression. But looking at you, sometimes I thought ‘don’t look so surprised'.
Veronique
Why did you never say that, mom? It was only when I went to the tattoo artist that I found out that I had been drawing my eyebrows a centimetre too high.
Marie-Lou
How was I supposed to know it was because of that? I personally never draw eyebrows on. Don’t find it necessary, my glasses are there. And I never wore mascara anyway because you have to take it off every evening. Although I do admit that I don’t enjoy looking at my bald head. Mine is not as nice as yours.
Veronique
Nonsense, mom. I got my pretty, round head from you, that’s clear to see.
Marie-Lou
Yeah, but you’ve got your youth too, right? You look beautiful bald. What I find difficult is that I don’t recognize myself anymore. I look ill, even though that’s not how I feel. This look just doesn’t suit me. I only go bald in the shower, which, by the way, is lovely if you don’t have hair: that warm stream of water right on your head. Don’t you think?
Veronique
Yeah it’s amazing! Really annoying, though, that we don’t have nose hair anymore and we always have a runny nose as soon as we go out. And then having to put on a facemask in the supermarket, really inconvenient.
Marie-Lou
In your case, it pains me that your Alopecia is often a turnoff for guys. Before, you could get as many guys as you wanted, which isn’t necessary, but I wish they were able to deal with it better.
Veronique
Oh, it’s getting better, probably because I’m more relaxed about it myself now. In the beginning, I would almost throw my wig on the table and go: this is who I am, take it or leave it. That might have been a bit intimidating, haha! Now, I wait a bit first and then show a picture, or I explain what Alopecia is before taking my wig off. Although my hair has started to grow back, I’m going to keep it short as long as not all of it is back. I really wouldn’t mind being bald for the rest of my life. Going bald before dad has turned me into a nicer person. I still enjoy looking nice, but it’s not the be-all end-all anymore.
